so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
