The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
