I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
