just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
