conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize