You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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