dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
