I just pynch a tree in the face
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You may now shotgun with the bride
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
