Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
