Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
