Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
