I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
40s are totally the cure
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
