How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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