Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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