I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
