Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
