I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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