just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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