you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
