She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
