Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
