So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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