We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You pole danced in your parka.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
