You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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