If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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