i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
