big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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