Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize