Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Randomize
