We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
