The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Sorry my hands just texted you
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize