yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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