Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
