Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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