Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
