Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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