when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize