Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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