Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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