You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize