trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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