I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize