Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
