You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
