im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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