i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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