Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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