They should really pass out barf bags in church
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
