It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
