Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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