During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
