She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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