I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It was a blind-side dick pic.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
