I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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