Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
