I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
