I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
