if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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