My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize