i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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