i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
