I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
