i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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