he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
