I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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