my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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