oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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