Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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