the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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